Father O’Malley, Reverend Jenkins, and Rabbi Goldstein had been arguing for nearly three hours.
Not politely either.
This was full-volume, finger-pointing, coffee-spilling religious competition.
The tiny diner waitress had already refilled their mugs four times and was now openly listening because honestly?
It was getting entertaining.
Father O’Malley slapped the table dramatically.
“Catholicism has converted millions!”
Reverend Jenkins scoffed.
“Oh please.
You people use guilt and casseroles.”
Father O’Malley gasped.
“At least we don’t have rock bands and fog machines in church!”
Rabbi Goldstein calmly buttered his toast while the other two spiraled toward theological combat.
Then Jenkins leaned forward smugly.
“My congregation grew by forty-two members this year alone.”
Father O’Malley crossed his arms.
“Quantity doesn’t equal quality.”
Rabbi Goldstein sighed deeply.
“You two sound like divorced parrots.”
That somehow made them even more competitive.
Finally Reverend Jenkins slammed his hand down.
“There’s only ONE way to settle this.”
The waitress paused nearby holding pancakes.
“Oh this should be good.”
Jenkins pointed dramatically toward the forest visible beyond the diner parking lot.
“Each of us goes into those woods…
finds a wild bear…
and converts it.”
Silence.
Even the waitress blinked.
Father O’Malley slowly nodded.
“…Honestly that’s insane enough to feel fair.”
Rabbi Goldstein narrowed his eyes.
“You two understand bears are not emotionally available for religious discussion, yes?”
Too late.
The challenge was accepted.
One week later, they agreed to meet again.
Unfortunately…
they met at Saint Mary’s Hospital.
Because apparently things had not gone smoothly.
Father O’Malley arrived first.
His arm hung in a sling.
Three claw marks stretched across his forehead.
His pants looked emotionally destroyed.
Reverend Jenkins stared.
“Good Lord.”
Father O’Malley winced sitting carefully in a chair.
“I found a massive grizzly.”
“And?”
The priest straightened proudly despite obvious pain.
“I approached peacefully.
Read scripture aloud.
Sprinkled holy water.”
The waitress from the diner had apparently followed this entire saga because she stood nearby openly eating popcorn.
Father O’Malley continued:
“The bear objected initially.”
“INITIALLY?” Jenkins shouted.
Father O’Malley ignored him.
“There was… resistance.”
“You mean MAULING.”
“Temporary spiritual hesitation.”
Eventually, after a lengthy struggle involving a tree, a riverbank, and what doctors described as “surprisingly aggressive evangelism,” Father O’Malley claimed the bear finally calmed down.
“And now?” Jenkins asked.
Father O’Malley smiled proudly.
“He’s baptized.”
Nobody asked how he confirmed this.
Then Reverend Jenkins stood dramatically.
“Well MY experience was even more powerful.”
He lifted his pant leg revealing a giant cast.
The priest blinked.
“Sweet merciful heaven.”
Jenkins nodded solemnly.
“I found an even larger bear.”
“Of course you did,” muttered the waitress.
Jenkins ignored her.
“I preached passionately.
LOUDLY.”
“Why loudly?” asked the priest.
“Because faith should be heard!”
“That bear definitely heard SOMETHING,” the waitress whispered.
Jenkins continued proudly:
“At first the bear attacked me viciously.”
“You don’t say.”
“But eventually… he dropped to his knees and accepted salvation.”
Father O’Malley frowned.
“…Bears don’t really kneel.”
Jenkins looked offended.
“Well THIS one spiritually lowered itself.”
The waitress snorted soda through her nose.
Then suddenly all three looked toward the final hospital bed near the window.
Rabbi Goldstein.
Or rather…
what remained of him.
The man was wrapped in enough bandages to resemble a religious mummy.
Full body cast.
Neck brace.
Two IV bags.
Machines beeping rhythmically nearby.
Even his eyebrows looked injured.
Father O’Malley crossed himself instinctively.
“Dear God.”
Jenkins whispered:
“What happened to YOU?”
Rabbi Goldstein slowly turned his head approximately half an inch.
Painfully.
Then sighed.
“Looking back…”
The entire room leaned closer.
“…I probably should not have started with circumcision.”
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Then the waitress dropped the popcorn bucket laughing so hard she physically slid down the wall.
Father O’Malley wheezed.
Jenkins nearly passed out.
And somewhere deep in the woods…
one extremely traumatized bear probably still flinched every time it saw a rabbi.
